||[Jan. 30th, 2008|11:05 pm]
I get a lot of jesusfreaks soliciting my time at my house. I figure I get a visit once or so a month. |
I usually try to spin them away by saying that I'm a jew, or trying the athiest angle, or any other things I'm hoping will turn them away. Nothing works.
So, I've come up with a new stragegy. That new strategy has lead me to start reading the bible for the purpose of using it against said jesus freaks, so they really go away. I wasn't really sure where to start, and I certainly wasn't out to be a god-hater, because I'm not, I just want to fuck with the jesuspeople who bother me at my house.
found a website which has the bible in like 500 versions. I found the '21st century king james version' which is supposedly the original king james edition with updated language usage (aka, using 'you' instead of 'thou' and other nonsense).
I started reading the book of Judges. The complexity in many of the sentences makes me really wonder if the common man actually reads the bible, or actually just claims to have done so. Furthermore, the book itself doesn't make much sense. I read through chapter 11, and there were at least 20 stories contained in those 11 chapters all which had the same exact plots and outcomes, but only really varied in length.
For any story I read in judges, it followed precisely this pattern:
1) Israelites forsake God (the one true god in the Bible) for other gods.
2) God gets angry.
3) God causes some other group to enslave or otherwise conquer the Israelites.
5) Israelites cry "Boo hoo this sucks", God saves them by sending someone to lead them to victory.
6) The Israelites win their freedom.
7) One of: 40 or 80 years pass
8) Go to step 1
Every story. The same thing. Sometimes the author(s) decided that the stories needed to be longer than 3 sentences, and needed to add more filler. At one point (Judges 1:12-13), it is advertised it's cool to marry your cousin:
And Caleb said, "He that smiteth Kirjathsepher and taketh it, to him will I give Achsah my daughter for a wife."
And Othniel the son of Kenaz, Caleb's younger brother, took it; and he gave him Achsah his daughter for a wife.
(Caleb and Othniel, by the way, are both protagonists)
What's even more scary is that there are a few zillion "versions" of the bible, but somehow they're all still "god's word" - really?
So I gave up on reading Judges because that shit is boring. I picked another random book: John. Somehow, the 100 editors on the 21st-century King James missed out on updating the language in this book to anything newer than Shakespeare, because it's still full of "Doest thou thyself art thou thyne?" kind of stuff - which, by the way, is fucking hard to read.
I'm only slightly into John, and it's pretty silly. I mean, it opens up sloppily by saying the word is god and god is the word and other weird things, which would make sense if that theme was kept, but then two guys go up to Jesus (wait, when did we introduce Jesus?) and say "prove you're the christ guy (aka, savior)" and Jesus says "I saw you down by that tree!" and one of the other guys is like "Whoa you are christ! LIKE TOTALLY!"
It honestly appears so far that this book was written by a very inexperienced writer, or even a student looking to plagiarize.
1) Many of the protagonists and antagonists lack any kind of character development or background.
2) Those that do have background, and many many paragraphs of text dedicated to explaining their role in the story, often exit the story with "Greg the Awesome died. The end. Moving on... 80 years later, this guy Bob drops into town..." and that's the end of Greg the Awesome.
3) The language style changes constantly; a signal consistent with one author plagiarizing from multiple sources, or multiple authors who didn't employ an editor.
4) There are often multiple antagonists with very similar names, such as Zordas and Zordis (I made that up, but you get the idea) and if we're learning about these guys they are swapped in and out of sentences, almost interchangably. Why bother having 2 antagonists anyway?
4) You'd have to be a cartographic mastermind to understand the geography. I'm pretty sure the Lord of the Rings books came with like.. a map and shit...
There are lots of magic numbers. Sometimes people attack in groups of exactly 300 (Gideon, for example) or exactly 10000, almost no other numbers. Seems kind of strange.
However, this God gets my vote for "Most Ridiculous Way to Select Your Army" -
Judges 7:5-6, So Gideon took the men down to the water. There the LORD told him, "Separate those who lap the water with their tongues like a dog from those who kneel down to drink." Three hundred men lapped with their hands to their mouths. All the rest got down on their knees to drink.
How retarded is that? "Whoever drinks from the water in this one way will be your team"
I'll probably keep reading, because it's in many ways entertaining.